Five Ways to Disagree With Your Therapist

Therapy doesn't always go smoothly. While we clinicians would love to believe that we are always delivering great care, we make mistakes in our job like in any other profession. A small mistake is not always a deal breaker, but that does not mean it should go unaddressed. Like any relationship, being able to speak your mind about negative experiences is paramount. If you are concerned about conflict with your therapist, that's understandable. However, I can provide you with some inoffensive phrases to use to help you disagree with your therapist. Having these short sentences in your vocabulary doesn't mean you're looking for a fight. It means you are advocating for your own experience, which any therapist should encourage as well, even if they're involved.

#1: "I Don't Understand"

Confusion happens in therapy. While you try to describe everything you feel on the inside, therapists are also responsible for listening and then incorporating your experience into evidence-based principles and practice. It sounds difficult, and even though it's a therapist's job to communicate, it doesn't always go well. While you would be understanding for your therapist if they say something you don't understand, you are free to still ask for further clarification!

Statements like "I don't understand" can also be followed by other expressions like "could you say that again" or "can you rephrase that?" These statements are not rude, they are true to your experience if you literally can not understand what your therapist just said! Anyone can pronounce these phrases in a rude manner, but if you politely ask these questions, you will likely be given the right information so you can continue forward with your session.

#2: "I Don't Think So"

Yes, I know, it sounds very direct and potentially argumentative. However, I want you to imagine this statement being said in a kind tone of voice, just letting a therapist know that their insight doesn't resonate or does not feel accurate. You are the client, and almost everything discussed in therapy comes from your internal experiences. So, if a therapist makes an incorrect connection or an inaccurate interpretation, you are at liberty to let them know!

On the other hand, letting your therapist know what doesn't feel accurate is a helpful step towards what is accurate. Therapists often appreciate this sort of feedback because it allows us to get to the inner truths that only you can confirm. So the next time your therapist says something that doesn't sound right, go ahead and use this sentence to disagree! It's not an aggressive statement, but one that will direct you and your therapist to better transparency and better outcomes.

#3: "Can We Talk About Something Else Please?"

If you're in therapy, it's your time. While it's important to discuss difficult topics, there is such a thing as becoming too distressed in session. Becoming overwhelmed in therapy has the potential to hurt or halt your progress. Your therapist is responsible for pacing your therapeutic journey as well, but you are the utmost authority on how you feel. If you notice your blood pressure rising, your chest pounding, or your mind scattering, it's best to let your therapist know. A statement like this can redirect the conversation to an easier topic, or your therapist may even propose calming and grounding exercises to calm your body and mind.

This statement is not inherently avoidant. The topic at the center of your discomfort will be important to address at some point, but that is something to work towards. Maybe the appropriate approach to that triggering subject is more of a marathon than a sprint. You may need time to build up to it in a more sustainable way. Remember, while this does change the direction of the conversation, it is not rude. It lets your therapist know the severity of your internal sensations to better manage the pace and sustainability of therapy.

#4: "I'm Feeling Uncomfortable"

This sounds like the statement before, but it can speak more to the therapeutic alliance rather than a subject being discussed in therapy. Therapeutic alliance is a fancy term clinicians use to describe the trusting relationship between a therapist and a client. If your therapist's words, expressions, attitude, or overall approach make you feel uncomfortable, you are free to let them know! It may feel insulting and/or confrontational to do this, it's imperative to your therapeutic journey.

These situations also do not have to be deal breakers! If the therapist is acting unethically or inappropriately, then that qualifies you for finding a new therapist. However, you can also address smaller experiences of discomfort in therapy that are due to the therapist's actions. If a therapist makes you feel uncomfortable in a non-therapeutic manner, I'd encourage you to address it. It takes courage, but you are not starting a fight. You are advocating for your experience in therapy, even if it involves the therapist. This leads us to our last sentence, which would indicate that you can't continue forward with your current therapist.

#5: "I Don't Think This is a Good Fit for Me"

This statement may seem like an extreme disagreement, but it's one of the most important sentences in the list. Many people find a therapist who is not a match for their wants or needs. If you ever see a therapist and think to yourself "something doesn't feel right" or "we aren't really clicking" then you are probably experiencing that for good reason. Telling a therapist that they are not a good fit starts with you listening to yourself. Does this therapist make you feel safe? Does this therapist seem competent or well-versed in what you're specifically there to address? If your answer is no, then it may be time to move on.

If your therapist is acting in a completely inappropriate or harmful manner, it would be best to stop immediately. However, if you think it is just a matter of match, then it can even be beneficial to tell your therapist they're not a good fit. Oftentimes a clinician, knowing you will no longer be seeing them, will assist you with finding a new therapist who may be a better fit or is better suited for your situation. Ending therapy on your own can feel defeating because you have to start all over again, but if it's your mental health on the line, it's worth it. Telling your therapist they are not a good match is not an offensive act. It is a symbol that you are brave enough to care about yourself.

Thank You For Reading!

If you are interested in more or starting your own therapy journey, please go to greatlakesmentalhealth.com for more information. One of our compassionate and competent clinicians would be happy to help.

You deserve to start feeling better today!